It’s a dream come true. You’re a rock star! The record company is advancing you one million dollars to blow on Christmas gifts for your favorite person: you! Let’s get that shopping cart out…
You’re going to need a guitar, maybe two guitars. Last July Fender introduced the très mod Buddy Guy Polka Dot Stratocaster, its black alder body decorated with white polka dots. This Start features a one-piece maple neck and a vintage style synchronized tremelo bridge: $784.99 (throughout our little shopping spree, we’re paying list price—no reason to quibble over pennies when you’re a rock star!)
For those quieter, more reflective moments, when you’re aboard the tour bus somewhere between Rockville and Surf City, and either inspiration or ennui hits you, an acoustic guitar will be necessary. The mahogany, Adirondack spruce and Brazilian rosewood Martin OM-45 GE 1933, priced at $18,500, is the most expensive guitar in the company line. Part of the reason for the expense is C.F. Martin’s utilization of Brazilian rosewood, a nearly extinct species also known as Jacaranda that the company hasn’t used for standard production guitars since 1969. A meteorological note: Martin keeps the factory at a constant 45-55 percent humidity and warns that, unless your guitar is stored under similar conditions, the axe is in mortal danger. Which means that you won’t be able to live in Louisiana.
For amplification, nothing will suffice other than a Marshall stack—make that two stacks of Marshalls and let the neighbors be damned! You’ll require two Marshall 1959 SLP 100 Watt Super Lead Plexi Classic Reissue Heads ($3,300), two Marshall 1960 AX Angled Speaker Cabinets ($2,300) and two Marshall 1960 BX Straight Speaker Cabinets ($3,920). Sixteen 12-inch Marshall/Celestion “Greenback” speakers oughta be enough to destroy whatever’s left of your eardrums.
The original Vox Model V847 Wah-Wah Pedal, introduced in 1967 and made famous by Jimi Hendrix, is de rigueur and a bargain at $175. Legend Picks, in Davenport, Iowa, is where Ted Nugent and Les Paul get their guitar picks. A rock star of your caliber will require at least 16 gross (2,304) of classic celluloid picks, imprinted with your signature on both sides: $630. Double Treble Custom Instrument Straps of Trenton, New Jersey will supply the mandatory genuine python guitar strap for $94.95.
What are we forgetting? Ah, yes—leather pants! Aldo Kleyn, proprietor of Leather Rose in New York City, will custom-make pants out of any leather known to man, including black mamba snakeskin. The cost: who knows? Kleyn clients Marilyn Manson (gold lamé) and Lil’ Kim (red python) didn’t ask and neither should you. Let’s put aside $4,000 for your reptilian trousers.
For your feet, nothing will do but “Docs”—Dr. Martens 1914Z 14-eyelet boots, the preferred choice of sensitive skinheads, punks and Goths, around $149.99 at malls everywhere. And to show what you think about filthy capitalistic record companies that dole out millions of dollars to musicians, adorn your chest with a Che Guevara t-shirt, $18 from thechestore.com.
Do rock stars read? Of course they do. Since they only actually “work” for around an hour a night, they need to kill time somehow. Reading all eleven volumes of The Story of Civilization by Will and Ariel Durant ($440) will erase a few minutes of temporal existence. A typical bit of Durantian wisdom: “If you wish to learn which sex is the more intelligent, watch any man in relation with any woman, and see which of the two will twist the other around her finger.”
Now for your rock star-worthy wheels: Bentley convertibles are passé and ever since General Motors reduced the price on Hummers, it isn’t uncommon to see common housewives driving them. What you need is the new 2003 Ferrari Enzo, the fastest road car Ferrari has ever built (maximum speed: 218 miles per hour). In 3.65 seconds, it’ll take you from that stoplight to 60 miles per hour, thanks to a 660-horsepower V-12 engine. Of course, the spoilsport Environmental Protection Agency has declared it a “gas guzzler” since, if you’re lucky and don’t drag race every Camaro you encounter, you might get eight miles to the gallon of premium fuel. But, on the exclusive side, Ferrari is only going to manufacture 349 Enzos so it’s unlikely that the rock star next-door will have one in his driveway. And the price–$675,000—will render the Enzo all but unobtainable for most consumers. In the words of Lee Dorsey, “Holy cow!” For that kind of cash, you could buy at least six houses in the typical New Orleans neighborhood.
On those days when you want to feel the wind in your face (and lovebugs in your teeth), a motorcycle will be required. 2003 is Harley-Davidson’s 100th anniversary, to be celebrated with a series of commemorative hogs. The 100th Anniversary FLSTF/FLSTFI Fat Boy in two-tone sterling silver and vivid black has the Twin Cam 88B motor and the awesome sound that no Japanese bike can duplicate. Yours for $17,100.
Despite Mark Kopfler’s adage about “chicks for free,” the sort of babes a rock star wants when he cruises to the convenience store at 218 miles per hour do not come cheap. Los Angeles’ Centerfolds Club (centerfoldsclub.com) is an escort agency booking “The Most Beautiful Women In The World!” and that includes ladies direct from the pages of Playboy and Penthouse, as well as a slew of triple-X porn stars, including Brittany Andrews, Alexandra Quinn and Tina Cheri. Fees for “travel companions” (nice euphemism!) are negotiable. $10,000 should buy a few hours of female fun.
Where does a rock star take such companions? Nowhere but the ten-room Atlantis Bridge Suite at the Atlantis resort, Paradise Island, Bahamas. At $25,000 a night, it’s the world’s most expensive hotel room. Let’s reserve it for ten nights, which leaves you approximately $13,587 to spend on refreshments. A magnum of Cristal, the preferred beverage of P. Diddy, goes for around $429 so 31 magnums should be enough to drink and bathe in. With your small change, you can purchase postcards, condoms and rolling papers.
Did we mention that the million bucks the record company handed you was what is called a “recoupable” advance? In plain English, that means they expect you to sell enough CDs to cover the million. Robert Johnson might’ve sold his soul to the Devil but yours belongs to the record company. Hey—you didn’t really believe there’s a Santa Claus, did you?
