Roller Girls or C.I.A. operatives?

Despite my wealth of journalistic credentials, there are still times that even I, Michael Jastroch, Associate Editor of OffBeat Magazine, the man who interviewed Meshell Ndegeocello, gets scooped. Case in point: somehow, despite my network of informants, I missed out on writing about the Big Easy Roller Girls’ fundraiser featuring Hazard County Girls at One Eyed Jacks that, if you happen to pick up this magazine the day it drops, happened last night.

The fact is, I didn’t find out about this punk rock all girl roller derby thing from a well-timed press release, a good connection or a fellow entertainment journalist, but from a gregarious waitress at Slice Pizzeria. I had two slices of the white pizza with basil pesto, for the record. In honor of my journalistic lapse and the Valerie Plame affair, the following is based on background interviews conducted off-the-record with various members of the New Orleans music community, Robert Novak style.

In the 1975 film Rollerball, skater Jonathan E. fights for his individual freedom in the not so distant corporate controlled future by engaging in an ultra violent version of roller derby. Despite the objections of the über powerful corporate heads of state, Jonathan continues to play, becoming a symbol of hope the world over. While it isn’t clear whether or not this dystopian vision of the future or its incomprehensible 2005 remake provided the inspiration for a bunch punk rock girls to form their own roller derby league, at the least it makes for creative segue.

The regional women-only roller derby league is a well established phenomenon—a kind of cross between professional wrestling, a burlesque show and honest to God sporting event with local rock ‘n’ roll bands and DJs thrown into the mix. Two teams of five girls compete in a full contact roller skating race. The roller derby teams take on names—Hell Marys, Hotrod Honeys and Honky Tonk Heartbreakers, for example—and crowd pleasing personalities à la professional wrestling. This sport is, in fact, popping up all over the country since 2000. According to my sources, there are active leagues in Austin, Houston, Dallas, Atlanta, Phoenix, San Francisco, Detroit, Huntsville, New York, Chicago, Philadelphia, Denver and innumerable other cities. There’s even a documentary, Hell On Wheels, in the works. In the near future, New Orleans will have its own league.

Sources indicate that Atilla The Hunny (stage name used to protect identity) happened to be in Texas, met one of the Austin league organizers who introduced her Viva Zaputa, a skater who was in the process of moving back to New Orleans and wanted to start a roller derby league. Atilla The Hunny met J Crush and Crescent Wench, who were avid roller skaters looking for an outlet. In May, they held an informal recruiting meeting. Turnout was impressive amongst tattooed and pierced service industry mainstays, but oddly enough, it has also attracted grad students and professional types as well—many of whom skated as a child, but had no idea what, exactly, they were getting into.

Many people are familiar with the concept of a roller derby—a full contact grudge match played out on skates—but probably not with the actual nuts and bolts. For starters, there is no kicking and punching. Skaters must be knocked down using body checks and arms (from elbow to shoulder) only. Each team has a pivot, who acts as kind of a pace car in the front of the pack. Behind them on each team are three blockers, whose job it is to prevent the team’s jammer from passing the pivot. Every time a jammer passes a pivot, that team scores a point. The derby is fast paced, and pile-ups, cat fights and injuries often break out between the players. When that happens, a skater has to spin the penalty wheel, which can include anything from time in the box to having to race backwards with a ball between their legs. Competitors often spill out into the crowd, much to the chagrin of people sitting cross-legged at the track. Violence, girls in “fishnet tights and red lipstick,” live rock ‘n’ roll? Sounds exactly like what this town needs, indicates one anonymous source.

According to informants, at the moment, the New Orleans league is in the training stages, meeting two times a week for skill and endurance work outs, holding benefit bikini car washes at Pal’s Lounge and rock shows at One Eyed Jacks for expenses—forming an LLC, insurance for participants and spectators, uniforms and eventually, getting their own venue. Right now, people can check out their web site, bigeasyrollergirls.com, for updates about fundraisers and shows, or, if you’re a woman and interested in inflicting pain, email [email protected] to learn how to get involved.

ROCK FOR CANCER
Speaking of benefits for worthy causes, if the Satchmo SummerFest ain’t your bag and you feel like earning some positive karma points, Dash Rip Rock is organizing a two-day show at the Howlin’ Wolf to raise money for music fan Morgan Brooks. Brooks was diagnosed with T-cell lymphoma and leukemia and, owing to bad timing, found himself starting a new job, without insurance, uninsurable and with medical bills in excess of $100,000. On Friday, August 5, Zoom, Sean Moran, the Tomatoes, the Hurricane Hunters and Sabbath Crow perform. On Saturday, August 6, catch Bones, Spickle, Dash Rip Rock and Interstate Pond. For those interested in making donations, there is an account set up at Hibernia under Morgan Brooks.

CUTTING EDGE
The 13th annual Cutting Edge Music Business Conference and Roots Music Gathering will be held from August 18-21 at the Hotel InterContinental. The event will feature an entertainment law seminar that will cover recording contracts, copyrights and publishing and film contract; a music business seminar featuring Wendy Goodman of the RCA Music Group and Darryl Franklin of Interscope Records; a film workshops; a music showcase and a trade show. The highlight of the conference will be the roots music gathering, where musicians and promoters of traditional music styles will give lectures, oral histories and demonstrations. Go to jass.com/cuttingedge for the latest info.

If you have any inside information—about bands, an event, the secret identity of a CIA officer or whatever—that you want to share off the record, please email me at [email protected]. Anonymity is guaranteed.