Okay kids, it’s rockin’ time. Let’s see what holiday goodies we have in the old Spare Parts bag. What’s this? A knotted pair of peekaboo fishnet pantyhose—must be left over from Dale Ashmun‘s last party. Let’s see what our roving reporter is going to miss while he’s touring Europe as merchandising director for Lydia Lunch…

OUT OF TOWN BUT NOT FORGOTTEN DEPT…Funk fans, brace yourselves for heavy withdrawal symptoms in the upcoming months. With the exception of January, bassist George Porter, Jr.—the thump behind the Meters—is scheduled to spend much of the next eight months on the road. He’ll tour Europe with the Meters—guitarist Leo Nocentelli, drummer Russell Battiste and keyboardist David Torkanowsky—during December. Founding Meters piano man Art Neville is sitting out this trip, as he was committed to the recording sessions for the Neville Brothers’ next album.

“Me and Leo had a long conversation with Art, and he said we should go for it,” said Porter of the decision to put a Neville-less Meters on the road. “And he picked the keyboard player (Torkanowsky) who took his place.” The JB (James Brown) Horns, including Maceo Parker, will accompany the Meters.

But this tour is only a warm-up for Porter. Starting in February, he will spend the next six months—three in the States, three in Europe—as a member of Talking Heads frontman David Byrne’s band. Porter played bass on Byrne’s upcoming solo album, which he describes as having a Latin feel “but it still has George Porter in it.” While this theater and amphitheater tour is a great gig for Porter, he’ll miss both Mardi Gras and, for only the second time in his life, Jazz Fest. Porter says he thinks he’ll survive; but his wife isn’t so sure: “You can live without Mardi Gras, but not Jazz Fest.” There is a bright side: “A lot of the young people that follow me around say they are going to buy David Byrne records,” says Porter. “So I might end up selling some records for him.”

ARS GRATIA PACIS DEPT…Cultural convergence is the theme of the seventh annual Soundscape Festival presented by the Contemporary Arts Center. Five nights of jazz and contemporary chamber music are highlighted by the New Orleans premiere of Leonard Bernstein’s final opus and a rousing climax of red-hot rhythm and heavenly blues.

On Monday December 2, CAC Music Director Jay Weigel (whose soundscape for “Backlash: Race and the American Dream” on PBS should be commended) will converge with Dino Constantinides of LSU’s New Music Ensemble at 8 p.m.

Wednesday, December 4, has a Happy Hour with Ellis Marsalis demonstrating on piano the evolution of the 20th-Century New Orleans music that will be elaborately illustrated on the concluding weekend of the fest. “The World of New Orleans Piano” rounds up the last weekend on Friday, December 6 at 7 p.m. Moses Hogan will play turn-of-the-century settings of Creole melodies. Ellis Marsalis then provides the bridge to modern jazz. Finally, Willie Tee promises to get funkily up to date.

The sacred and profane march to glory together at 3 p.m., Saturday December 7. Sounds of the South, a 16-piece gospel brass band from Savannah, Georgia, will attempt to save the souls of you unrepentant reprobates from possession by the Rebirth Brass Band. We’ll just have to see who plays second line to whom.

BLUES MONDAY AND ETC. DEPT….On Thursdays, you can see trumpeter Kermit Ruffins with the Rebirth Brass Band at the Glass House (Kermit’s just been signed as a soloist to Houston jazz label Justice Records, we’re told) or clarinetist Ben Schenck with his trio at Kaldi’s. But to see them together on Mondays, you’ve got to go to Little People’s Place on Barracks Street, two blocks off Rampart in the Treme Community next to Armstrong Park.

Warming up with such traditional jazz and R&B standards as “St. Louis Blues,” “Bourbon St. Parade” and “Shake, Rattle and Roll,” the duo cracks up the crowd with “I Can’t Believe I’m Voting for Edwin Edwards Again.” The gig starts at nine, but it’s Monday, so get there early for some of those good red beans and rice.

Thursdays are becoming a blues scene-o-rama at the world famous Mid-City Bowling Lanes. Abita Beer, OffBeat and Mid-City owner John Blancher have cooked up the Abita Beer Open Blues Jam Contest every Thursday, and bands from hither and yon are showing up to play. Winners in November included Red, Hot and Blues (who smoked the crowd) and Tab Benoit and Big Dog, all the way from Houma. Tab’s got a killer voice and guitar licks to match, so he’ll be one to watch as the contest continues on through April 1992.

New local fave bar Vic’s Kangaroo Cafe at 636 Tchoupitoulas Street also presents blues every Tuesday and Thursday from 10:30 p.m.-2:30 a.m., with local acts like NOBD, the Beat Doctors and Paula & the Pontiacs. Every Sunday from 7 p.m.-11 p.m., Vic presents Swedish-born (but swamp sounding) Anders Osborne. Check out the Shepherd’s Pie, too…

THE SHOW MUST GO ON DEPT…Why was Aaron Neville singing on a stool (more like a Swamp King’s throne) at the Nevilles’ Halloween concert? Because he slipped some discs in his back while touring in Japan. The acupuncture therapy couldn’t have been worse than getting those tattoos—we hope he’s feeling better.

BODY COUNT DEPT…If you think Aaron has problems, how about what happened to Pepper Keenan, former guitarist for Graveyard Rodeo? While stage diving at a Pantera show earlier this year, the pit opened in front of him, and Pepper landed on the floor busting his buns—quite literally. He fractured his hip and dislocated his spine. A benefit concert helped pay for a costly operation. This setback didn’t prevent Pepper’s new band, Corrosion of Conformity, from performing killer sets at Tip’s and the Varsity Theater last month.

TORA TORA TORA DEPT…December 7, Pearl Harbor Day, may not mean so much any more. In only fifty years, several seem to have forgotten what we were fighting for—and against. Nevertheless, Shot Down in Ecuador, Jr. will put some life into the occasion when they play for the ROTC Ball (sorry, it’s a private party, folks!) at the New Orleans Entertainment Hall. Shot Down, however, will be dragging out the pedal steel and banging on that old upright piano to perform some unusual material at Carrollton Station’s Songwriter’s Showcase. Singer Joe Darensbourg will also encore his sensitive interpretations of Charles Manson’s poetry. After touring Central America in the spring, Shot Down will appear at Jazz Fest.

The krazy Krewe du Vieux Carre will “get bombed” on Pearl Harbor Day at their pre-Mardi Gras bash at Cafe Istanbul (the old Dream Palace). The Krewe du Vieux is a non-profit organization of “neo-traditional social and political satirists” that’s developed quite a reputation for promoting local musical talent in their parades and concerts. Playing at this year’s soiree is Brasilliance! and the up-and-comin’ killer blues and R&B band, Thunder Blues Revue. All proceeds from the event will be used to pay musicians for this year’ s parade and ball, scheduled for February 15, 1992.

SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL SCENESTERS DEPT…Not a bossanova band as their name suggests, Bim Bom is a straight-ahead rave-up club rock power trio. John Dorys and Kevin O’Brien are immigrants from Indiana who recruited English exile Lippy Norman to liven up a scene gone sour. In order to pump new life into the scene, Bim Bom, in association with Enoch Light Presents, plans to sponsor an underground fest on two nights at Cafe Istanbul. The objective of this endeavor is to record a compilation CD and video that will showcase New Orleans bands we don’t get a chance to see too often. The success of the fest depends on how many people show up for a preview presentation Wednesday, December 11, at Istanbul. So be there, if you care!

HEMATOGRAPHY DEPT…In the Blood, sequel to Nancy Collins’ award-winning bestseller Sunglasses After Dark, will appear later this month. Signings are scheduled for better local bookstores in January. Collins also writes the DC comic Swamp Thing, which will conclude this month with a Cajun Christmas.

PIXELVISION DEPT…Loose Among the Ruins by Marta and Tom Richards won Best Experimental Film at the very successful Third Annual New Orleans Film Fest. This surrealistically apocalyptic vision of human emotion amid urban blight was shot on a Fisher-Price compact cassette camcorder with a plastic lens in burned-put buildings in the Warehouse District.

Loose Among the Ruins is touring with Dualities, a portrait of Bourbon Burlesque’s Gio, the woman of forty faces (that’s right, count ’em—she has that many exotic dance routines). Both shorts have shown at New York’s Anthology Film Archives. Dualities has also been broadcast on Midnight Blue, which is syndicated to the Playboy Channel.

Speaking of the N.O. Film Fest, did y’all notice the old copies of OffBeat pasted on the walls in several scenes of “Sweet King Vitamin,” one of the short films showcased?

YES, VIRGINIA DEPT…The Journal of the Institute of Scientific Santa Clausism seeks to silence the skepticism of Santa-Claustrophobics. Dedicated to collecting reports, eyewitness accounts and other evidence to confirm the existence of Santa Claus, JISSC is a first in its field.

Such momentous discoveries as the actual burial shroud of Santa, recordings of the old elf hiding in a gramophone and numerous photographs of Mr. Claus provide incontrovertible revelations to astound unbelievers. And where else would you find reviews of such unforgettable films as Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and Santa Comes Twice? [Editor’s note: We can only conjecture that perhaps they might be seen on “Mystery Science Theater 3000”].

For a copy send SASE to JISSC, P. O. Box 70829, NOLA 70172-0829. No checks payable to Santa Claus will be accepted this year. (P.S.—Santa’s official personal zip code is 30351-1991).

That’s all for now, but we’ve got more goodies for you next month. Have a happy holiday, and remember – you can’t have too much mistletoe. Let’s hope for peace on earth and good will to all. Not enough of that this year!